Blog 16: Revision Strategies

My recursive writing process I feel is very common with most people. The first step I feel that works best for me is when I am reading a text, I will mark up the text and try to make connections with it. This helps me gain insight on what the author is truly trying to convey in his piece of work. I will sometimes also summarize a paragraph if it is important to the reading. Summarizing helps you remember what you just read for future reference. The second step is my favorite brainstorming strategies. What works best for me is making a detailed outline. Making a detailed outline puts everything in order of what you are going to talk about and what material you will be using during your essay. The detailed outline is the hard part, while the essay is actually the easy part to write because you already have your ideas written down. The third step is my favorite drafting strategies. Truly, I don’t have any drafting strategies, I feel like I just write all my ideas down and try and make my rough draft as good as possible so I won’t need to do many revisions. The fourth step is the revision strategies. My favorite revision strategy is the peer review workshops. It gives me insight on what I need to work on and what I do really well in my writing. Also reviewing others writing style and looking at their ideas can create new ideas that I can write in my essay. The last step is the polishing strategies. In order to polish your paper, re-read your essay and make sure there is no grammatical errors and that everything in your paper flows nicely. 

Blog 15: Peer Review

Personally, I really enjoy peer review. It gives me the opportunity to view others writing types and gather ideas of what they did really well in order to make my essay even better. The main reason why I love peer review is to gather new ideas that I can also incorporate into my own essay. Also the comments made by others gives me insight on what I need to work on in my essay and what I do really well in my essay.

My overall plan to make my essay better is to really improve my introduction and conclusion. I didn’t really know what I was supposed to include in the introduction for this essay but now with the guidance of my peer reviewers, I know exactly what I can work on for my introduction and my conclusion. I also need to work on my paragraph placement. The way some of my paragraphs are structured and placed doesn’t really make sense. The way I believe to fix this is to reread my entire essay and determine what order the paragraphs should be in. I will also ask some of my peers that live on the same floor as me to do the same. After I make these changes, I believe my essay will be very well developed.

Blog 14: Outline

In my essay, the forms of communication that I plan on using are linguistic, visual, audio, and spacial. I want to talk about how everyone has a different perspective on beauty. I would like to compare society’s perspective of beauty to my own perspective. Also I would like to see how different generations view beauty. I would like to incorporate the song Boy by Lee Brice in order to incorporate something that I view as beautiful. In Armstrong’s essay he states, “beauty lies in the eye of the beholder”. I would like to explain this and further interrupt it. He explains that everyone experiences and views beauty in there own and unique way. I will most likely use the Owl Purdue to help with my citations.

Outline:

  • My introduction will touch bases on mostly everything that I will be talking about which will be Armstrong’s essay, the song Boy, and some of my classmates projects.
  • My first body paragraph will be about comparing society’s perspective of beauty to my own perspective. Also how different generations view of beauty compares to our generation
  • My second body paragraph will be exploring Armstrong’s essay and how his beliefs compare to my own.
  • My third and fourth paragraphs will be exploring two of my classmates projects. Im thinking about doing Olivia Gagne’s project and maybe Hannah Little’s project.
  • Finally I will have my conclusion which will highlight everything in my essay in one final punch.

Blog 13: La Bella Vita

When one thinks about beauty, they normally are thinking about what a person is on the outside which is along the lines of elegant and fashionable. However Armstrong’s essay is trying to stray away from that perception of beauty and move on to a new perception which is more complex. Armstrong’s statement, “To regard beauty as a luxury adornment or a social signifier was to miss the true potential of the experience,” means that people who focus on their social status and possessions are not truly grasping the real meaning behind beauty. Beauty is something that comes from within. It’s not about what other people view you by but its by how you view yourself as a person. Armstrong’s states that beauty “elevate[s] the soul”. This quote is saying that Armstrong believes that true beauty doesn’t come from who you are on the outside, but rather who you are on the inside that makes you who you are.

I believe beauty is so much more than just looks. I agree with Armstrong that beauty comes from within. I think that beauty is something that you are or you aren’t. What makes someone beautiful is their actions that they take. If someone is constantly doing good deeds for people and putting others before themselves, I believe that that is truly beautiful and something magical. A kind hearted person is beautiful in my mind, thats all it takes. You can be the most gorgeous person in the world but if your heart isn’t in the right place and your a snob, she might be pretty, but she’s definitely not beautiful and anyone would be able to tell just by talking to that person.  

 

Blog 12: Peers “Lets Talk About Art” Project

One of the presentations that really caught my eye and got to me was Olivia Gagne’s project. Olivia’s project really tugged on my emotions and made me feel very sad for what she and her friend goes through on a daily basis. Olivia talked about how much the Boston’s Children Hospital really does to make the patients there feel as comfortable as possible with the conditions that they have. I know how good the Boston’s Children Hospital is because I used to go there once a year because I used to have scoliosis. As I got older, I eventually grew out of it. Olivia’s story about one of her good friends fighting cancer was really touching and I love how the hospital is doing all it can to make the pain seem diminished even for a little bit. Art plays a huge roll in making this happen. The amazing artwork shown by the pictures in Olivia’s project distracts the patients with severe conditions and makes them stop thinking about their condition for at least a short period of time. Artwork in my mind is a type of spiritual healing and this form of healing is very underutilized in this society. I believe that art heals the mind by bringing the patients happiness and to have that in a hospital, is really amazing.

Blog 11: Repetition

The photos above are a few examples of what I did throughout my whole essay. I underlined all transitions, key terms and any repetition that was in my paper. I did not notice any big problematic patterns in my writing. What I did notice though is that I used many transitions in my essay, as well as key terms and repetition of words. I believe that repeating words and having good transitions make my paper flow much better and also makes my paper easier to read. This exercise has made me realize what I can use in my essays to make them that much better. It also showed me what I can do in the future to make my writing better. When going over my paper, I realized that several of my paragraphs were very long. Maybe I can find a way to shorten them up a little bit so that they don’t seem to run on.

Blog 10: The Future of Science… Is Art?

Jonah Lehrer’s main argument in his article, “The Future of Science… Is Art?” is that science needs to start incorporating art into science in order to move forward in science. Scientists are very reluctant to the fact that they might need art in order to further their own research because the two shouldn’t in fact go together hand in hand. Science is based off of facts through scientific research and experiments. However, art is based off of emotion and feelings where the artist is trying to express something. This article has several examples of science incorporated into art which made those pieces huge successes. Lehrer is now trying to say that this process needs to be reversed so that scientists can make more discoveries and explanations of why things are the way they are. The only real example of art being incorporated into science was used by Niels Bohr when he was furthering his research in a new electron model.

Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: The position and the velocity of an object cannot both be measured at the exact same time.

“The Bridging Principle”: Making connections through two different and separate things. This would explain the feeling of consciousness through the brain cells.

Reductionism: The practice of analyzing and describing a complex phenomenon in terms that are held to represent a simpler or more fundamental level.

Synapse: A junction between two nerve cells, consisting of a minute gab across which impulses pass by diffusion of a neurotransmitter.

Epiphenomenon: A secondary effect or byproduct that arises from but does not casually influence a process.

Holistic Perspective: Interested in engaging and developing the individual person as a whole.

Metaphor: A figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an object or action to which it is not literally applicable.

Palpable: Intense as to seem most tangible.

Lepidopterist: A person who studies butterflies or moths.

The scientist I chose to write about is Niels Bohr because he was relatively the first scientist to incorporate art into science which was a huge success for himself and furthering his career. Niels Bohr was an award winning physicist and humanitarian whose research on the atomic model helped shaped research across the world. Niels Bohr plays a huge role in Lehrer’s article because without Niels Bohr introducing art into the science community, Lehrer would not have an argument at all and this paper would never exist.

The artist I chose to write about is Brian Greene. Brian Greene is a theoretical physicist, mathematician, and string theorist. Lehrer mentions Greene in his essay to show that scientists are slowly acknowledging the importance that art can have on science. Greene explains how art can be used to cause new ways of looking at science and new ways to accomplish there experiments by different techniques to answer the scientific question.

Blog 9: “Necessary Edges: Arts, Empathy, and Education” By Yo Yo Ma

  1. The immediate context of this essay is when and where the essay is first published and includes the author’s biography. “Necessary Edges: Arts, Empathy, and Education” was written by Yo Yo Ma is a professional songwriter who graduated from Juilliard School and Harvard University. This essay was originally published in Switzerland in January of 2014. It was published by the World-Post which is an online news site. What stood out to me in his biography was that he received several awards of achievement for his amazing songs which he produced over 90 albums.
  2. The imposed context of this essay is the reason why I read this text and what my personal experiences were while reading this text. To me, I feel like I read this text today not only to complete the assignment at hand, but also to learn how education and schooling have changed. I do agree with Ma on how schools need to be teaching more than just the STEM educational model and more of the STEAM educational model. I feel that the STEAM model can help broaden the knowledge of individuals which would help you in any profession that one is headed towards.
  3. The internal context is the “so what?” of the essay and what primarily is the author trying to tell you and have you understand. Yo Yo Ma is trying to tell his audience that the educational system is only giving its students the bare necessities of education including your subjects like math, science, english, and history. The main point that he is trying to reach the readers about is that art is very important for a child to possess knowledge of as he or she grows older. Ma thinks that the educational system now is wrong in the fact that students just need the primary subjects without giving art the respect that it needs.
  4. Magnate-a wealthy and influential person in business.
  5. Virtuosos-a person highly skilled in music or other artistic pursuits.
  6. Nonpartisan-not biased or partisan, especially toward any particular political group.

Blog 8: Quote Revision

Original 1: They believe that artists are in a whole other world just “paint[ing] beautiful landscapes in front of them while the rest of the world burns”. The EA wants artists to give up their dream of being an artist for a job with “higher expected returns”

Revised 1: The EA believe that artists are in a whole other world just “paint[ing] beautiful landscapes in front of them while the rest of the world burns”. I strongly disagree with this statement because the beautiful landscapes that artists create help bring joy and light to the world which is slowly burning. Without these artists, the world would look more like hell and not so much of heaven.

Added Quote 1: These brazilian people and favelas, were assumed to be “unwelcoming, dangerous, ugly places”. Haas and Hahn turned the favelas of Rio into a tourist attraction and changed the perspective of the people in their to be more valued and treasured.

Added Quote 2: Effective Altruism states that “the only good that counts is what you accomplish over and above what the next person would have done in your place”.

Blog 7: Revisions to Rough Draft 1

Before Revisions of Body Paragraph 1 and 2:

In the short essay, Is Art a Waste of Time, Rhy Southan talks about many different views and opinions of being an artist. He starts off by introducing himself as a movie script writer whose focus is on very dark comedies. This tells me right away that Southan is an artists himself. He then introduces the Effective Altruism group, or EA for short. The EA have dedicated their lives to helping people in need all over the world in hopes to cure poverty. The EA believe that there is no room for art in the world and that artists could be doing other things that could actually benefit society. They believe that artists are in a whole other world just “paint[ing] beautiful landscapes in front of them while the rest of the world burns”. The EA wants artists to give up their dream of being an artist for a job with “higher expected returns” so that the person can donate more money or 10% of their earnings to the less fortunate. Southan however, does not feel the same way that Effective Altruism group does. He believes that “the world would be unlivable without art” and that art does have a positive impact in society. The EA does make Southan feel guilty for being an artist, but he comes to the conclusion that he is not willing to give up on art which he loves and holds dear to his heart for something that will ultimately make him unhappy.

On the other side of the argument, there are these two guys named Haas and Hahn, who have this amazing story about how art can change the perspective of favelas and rough cities. Their journey started when Jeroen Koolhaas won a competition to make a documentary for MTV. The documentary was originally on Brazilian hip-hop music in the favelas of Rio but during their time in Brazil, the word image was always lingering around the slums. Haas and Hahn saw this and wanted a change to happen so they put a plan in place. The plan was to create a massive mural that would cover many buildings and would be able to be seen from far distances. This experience brought together the whole community in a way like no other. Haas and Hahn completely changed the perspective of favelas and basically forced people to think of favelas differently by the actions of two people. Now that is truly unbelievable. Haas and Hahn quickly got famous and started getting requests from all over the world. They then took a gig in North Philly which is one of the poorest neighborhoods in the United States. They worked with the whole community to get this project done and it took about two full years to transform this neighborhood. Koolhaas and Urhahn even went a step further this time and trained kids from the streets to paint and hired them so they could help out with this amazing project while getting paid for it. Not only did these guys change the community, but they changed these kids lives by giving them purpose and a way to get away from the violence. Even now after the project has been over with, Koolhaas and Urhahn still stay in contact with some of the people from Philly which is proof of how these two guys really changed the community. They couldn’t believe how much of an impact they could possibly have on one neighborhood by using nothing but paint and a few brushes.

After Revisions:

The true power of art is to give rise to hope, promote change, and bring communities together. However, some individuals have drastically different opinions that will contradict mine. Some believe that art is a waste of time and should be removed from society all together. Rhys Southan’s essay, “Is Art a Waste of Time”, explores these opposing opinions. Southan, an artist himself, goes on vacation to have a peaceful set of mind to finish writing his play. Along his journey he meets a group of people affiliated with Effective Altruism. The Effective Altruism, or EA for short, have dedicated their lives to helping people in need all over the world to help cure poverty. The EA wants artists to give up their dream for a job with “higher expected returns” so that the person can donate more money or 10% of their earnings to the less fortunate. I agree that the idea of making more money to be able to donate more does sound amazing, but giving up art altogether to make it happen is not worth it. The EA believe that artists are in a whole other world just “paint[ing] beautiful landscapes in front of them while the rest of the world burns”. I strongly disagree with this statement because the beautiful landscapes that artists create help bring joy and light to the world which is slowly burning. Without these artists, the world would look more like hell and not so much of heaven.

Most, like me, believe that art is something that is essential to everyday life. Without it, life would be plain and colorless. Art is a powerful tool that, if used wisely, can do countless possibilities to the eyes of the individuals. These are the ideals that two artists named Haas and Hahn believe. Haas and Hahn create massive murals in rough cities and favelas. These masterpieces are so beautiful that it changes the perspective of the culture in the area. A great example of this was the time that Haas and Hahn spent in the favelas of Rio. The artwork that they made there was so magical, that it changed the perspective and image of favelas. The image of favelas was more along the lines of slums and Haas and Hahn turned the favelas of Rio into a tourist attraction. This changed the individuals in the favelas mental state from thinking that they were worthless to something that people valued and treasured. Not only did this project change the perspective of the community, but it also brought the community together as a whole. The community came together by all pitching in money for supplies and paint for the artists to work. Now if art is so useless, then why would a very poor region of Brazil raise as much money as 100,000 dollars when they could have used that money for their own well being?

 

Changes: I made some drastic changes to these two body paragraphs. Before the revisions, I was mainly summarizing the two pieces of literature we had. I got a lot of feedback on how I should be using my own ideas and supporting or contradicting those ideas with the two pieces of literature. In order to do that, I deleted the paragraphs and completely re-wrote the two paragraphs to have more of my ideas involved in my text. I do think that writing it more of around my ideas helped my essay sound better overall.